Giving Children Responsibility
By Lisa Lakner
The other day I
saw a baby blue jay sitting on the ground outside of the window in our living
room. I called my children to come
in and watch it. The bird was
trembling and did not try to fly.
After a few minutes, it began to hop around, spreading its wings and
trying to take off but not being very successful. Later, a friend told me that several
species of birds, including blue jays, learn how to fly from the ground up, not
from the nest down. The parent
birds kick the baby out of the nest and the baby spends a day or two on the
ground, hopping around and strengthening its wings until it can take off. Some of these baby jays become prey for
cats and raccoons before they are strong enough to fly.
The blue jay made
me think of my own children and what we as parents do to help them strengthen
their wings and learn how to fly in this life. There are many stories in the news today
about people not wanting to take responsibility for their own actions, from
frivolous lawsuit to teens who abandon their newborns. Where does all of this start and how can
we, as parents and teachers, help children take responsibility for their actions
and lives?
Many books talk
about teaching responsibility but I do not think that responsibility is
something you “teach.” I think
responsibility is something that you MODEL and something that you
GIVE over to children. Once
you give them responsibility, it is your job to monitor their progress and ask
them if they need help, all the while you are not taking the responsibility back
on yourself. This means that you
allow the child to handle the consequences of their behavior. So you won’t be doing a lot of talking
and you will not be doing any critiquing or criticizing of the child’s
efforts. You can offer lots of
support and encouragement and may step in when the child asks for help. Stepping in, however, does not mean that
you take it over and finish the job or show him what he was doing wrong. Stepping in means you become a
consultant and ask questions that will lead the child to discover how to
accomplish the task.
Start
early. Most parents pick up after their
children and then, when the child is three or four years old, begin to realize
that she can help in the process.
What happens is a nightmare of defiance or unwillingness on the part of
the child and anger and resentment of the part of the parents. If you as the parent have been doing all
the work for several years, who can blame the child for not wanting to
participate? At 11 months, children
are into putting things into containers and taking them back out. A child at this age will perform this
over and over again. So, when it’s
time to pick up the toys, put a container in front of her and ask her to put the
toys inside. Sit with her and help
her, making it a game and giving her lots of acknowledgments.
By the age of 15
months, hand him a paper towel or a sponge when he spills his juice and ask him
to wipe it up. Then wait until he’s
out of the room and finish the job because it won’t be perfect. At two and three, ask for their help in
folding laundry, setting the table (silverware can be placed on everyone’s chair
with a warning to look before you sit), watering plants, feeding the dog. These simple chores will not be done
perfectly, so let go of how the towels look when they are folded and realize
that you are setting up an expectation in your child that everyone participates
in the work around the house.
When you give
children responsibility, they may not always succeed immediately. It’s important to remember that everyone
needs the time to learn and that with repetition comes
proficiency. So, if she doesn’t do
a stellar job immediately, don’t step in and take the responsibility back from
her. Ask her how she feels she did
and what results she would like to have next time. Then ask her what she thinks she needs
to do or do differently in order to achieve those results.
Remember that the
key word here is GIVE. When
you give something to someone, you let go.
Do that with your children.
Listen more than talk, spend more time asking questions than providing
answers or telling him how to do it, and don’t keep taking the responsibility
back.
and the sooner you allow your children to
experience it,
the more powerful, accomplished and loved they
will feel.
Start today!!
It’s Never Too Late….
So, you just read
the above article on responsibility and your children are 5 and 8 or 10 and
14. Cheer up because you still have
time to GIVE them responsibility.
Just know that it will take a little longer to get them to respond and
they may never respond with great enthusiasm!! Trust and
Relax!!!